Pretentious Pictures Presents:

CHOCOLATE AND CHAMPAGNE
A comedy with a dark center

A Beverly Hills woman wakes up "older" and finds her life with a younger man undignified. The stage version was produced in at the Creative Place Theatre in NYC.


Attached: Bo Derek

Diana, the Hamlet at the heart of this comedy, is a clothes designer with a boutique on Rodeo Drive, a house in Beverly Hills, and a younger lover, Jim, her kept man for two years now. There’s nothing she can’t handle—except getting older.

She deals with a birthday by throwing him out. They're right for each other, she regrets it immediately, but she can't take him back, because her daughter Jackie, who idolizes and competes with her, tells her Jim has seduced her, and Diana believes it.

Proposed: Bruce Willis


So she makes do with the respectable but empty life she'd thought she needed, with her lawyer Griff—more her age, and on her success level. Griff has been in love with her for years. Now’s his chance.

Proposed: Gael García Bernal


Jim is happy with a champagne-and-sports-car life, but he’s also a talented script-writer who’s postponing seriousness into a future that never comes. Together they’re fast company. They must have been brilliant at her birthday party last night.

This morning, though, even while he’s making love to her, she’s spooked. She tells him he has to go. She wants something more presentable, more—respectable—before it’s too late. Which shocks him. He takes life as it comes, but this is a bit violent.

Proposed: Jennifer Coolidge


Betsy, the suicidal widow of a husband she drove to suicide, is too scattered to pass a driving test, takes a lesson with Jim, spins the car onto a Mulholland Drive cliff and is ready to gun it and take him with her. He calms her down and she takes him home. But he can't forget Diana.

Proposed: Adelaide Clemens


Jackie, Diana’s daughter, idolizes her and so misses no chance to pick at and defy her. Inwardly shaky, she is outwardly impish and sexy. She thinks she’s in love with Jim; in fact what she needs is a father.

Proposed: Owen Teague


Betsy's son Dylan—eccentric hair, psychotic eyes, twitches constantly and rhythmically as if keeping time to music he doesn’t much enjoy—is in the same class at UCLA with Jackie, over whom he moans uncontrollably. He disgusts her.

Proposed: Rosie Perez 


Maria, Diana's housekeeper, is the deadpan foil to Diana's Hamlet, secret ally to Jim, and the one person Diana doesn't dare defy.

Proposed: Amy Brenneman


GWEN is Diana's mischievous best friend and alter-ego. She'll take Jim if Diana doesn't want him! Just kidding. In an attempt to bring them back together she throws a party and invites both of them, but it turns into a confrontation....

And the final character is Beverly Hills—the tone, the climate, the village size and ambiance that make it inevitable for these people to collide.








Pretentious pictures presents
a comedy with a dark center.

The New Age Blues (a song I'm working on)

Well my baby got back just the other day.
I said, “I didn’t realize you’d been away.”
She said, “I been hangin’ out in Santa Fe.”

I moved to make some room for her in bed,
And her blank stare made me wonder what I’d said.
She said, “I’m New Age now and I meditate instead.”

I got the New Age blues, and I’m as blue as I can be.
I got a cork-and-iron-lined WC,
And I’m eliminatin’ my impurity.

So I called her up and asked her, why did she go?
And she told me her New Mexico amigo
Prescribed a rice and water diet for my ego.

Well, I’m doin’ all I can to quash the rumor,
Spread by geriatric baby boomers,
That New Age people have no sense of humor.

I got the New Age blues, etc.



Also by Robert MacLean:  

Mortal Coil: A Comedy of Corpses at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon FR, Amazon DE and Smashwords;

The President's Palm Reader: A Washington Comedy at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon FR, Amazon DE and Smashwords; 

and the Toby books: 

Foreign Matter at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon FR, Amazon DE and Smashwords;

Total Moisture at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon FR, Amazon DE and Smashwords;

The Cad at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon FR, Amazon DE and Smashwords; and 

Will You Please Fuck Off? at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon FR, Amazon DE and Smashwords.

And they're all at Apple, iTunes, Barnes and Noble, Sony, Kobo, Diesel—the whole street.