Fit Audience, Though You: Sacred Limericks

    
    1


    Said the God who created the race,
    With time I shall write upon space.
    When I've given the Word
    And My Message is heard
    I'll have something besides My Own Face.




    2


    When Adam was naming his pets,
    He said, Hm, let me see ... Ele-phant!
    The big creature pointed
    Where Adam was jointed:
    Can you really breathe through that?




    3


    Said Adam, It's lonely down here.
    This isn't my kind of career.
    If I want some release
    All I've got is the beasts!
    Do you think you could make me a peer?




    4


    And God said, I know how he feels.
    He needs someone to talk to at meals.
    The next time he's under
    I'll slip in and sunder
    A rib so he cops a few feels.


    5


    May I introduce myself, Madam?
    The One with the beard calls me Adam.
    We're the only two here,
    So when others appear
    They'll look back and say we begat 'em.




    6


    Said Eve the first time she saw Adam,
    I suppose this is Number One Datum.
    He looks kind of slow
    For the very first Joe
    But I won't know for sure till I've had him.




    7


    You mean I should stick it in there?
    In that fissure surrounded by hair?
    But what if it bites,
    Or the fit is too tight
    And the snorkel can't get any air!




    8


    And God said, It won't hurt your wurst.
    It'll satisfy some of your thirst.
    Once you get started
    You'll never be parted.
    Remember to prime it up first.




    9


    That opening, boy, is your gate
    To the heaven beyond your estate.
    Pump it till she inflates
    And just stand back and wait,
    And out pops a stunned neonate!




    10


    When he finally relaxed with his madam,
    Come give me some kisses! cried Adam.
    We still haven't et--
    We can work up a sweat
    And afterwards not even sadden!
    11


    Said Adam, his ear to the slot,
    There's an ocean inside her, I wot!
    I can roll on the tide
    When I'm in for a ride
    And smell the dead fish when I'm not!




    12


    Said Eve, Hey I thought I had dibbs,
    But I find you've been telling me fibs!
    Who's this Lillith, you creep,
    That you call in your sleep?
    Just a dream, he replied, count my ribs!




    13


    My God, what a father fixation!
    You don't understand my frustration!
    While you males have the say
    I'm expected to stay
    In third place and make cute conversation!




    14


    The Devil said, I'm feeling good!
    I wouldn't change places if I could!
    I got control of my section
    And total erection,
    And baby, I'm doin' like I should, that's right!




    15


    Come here kid, you look like a winner!
    I got a special on apples for dinner!
    If you play your cards right
    You'll grab a little bite.
    All the big saints get started as sinners!




    16


    What's that?  The divine decree?
    Honey, it's time for your college degree!
    Want to be your own boss?
    Means you suffer some loss.
    Darling, this is the Ph.D I got here!


    17


    Said Eve, Let's have these for lunch, Adam.
    Are you going to trust Him or your madam?
    The One with the beard
    Says there's much to be feared,
    But we won't know for sure till we've had 'em.




    18


    Has that serpent been making a pass?
    Bristled Eve, I think that's a bit crass!
    Don't put down the snake,
    Thanks to him I'm awake.
    At least he gets up off his ass!




    19


    I've been meaning to tell you this, Adam:
    It isn't much fun playing madam
    To a guy who won't bite
    And insist on his right
    To become like the One who begat him.




    20


    He said, Listen, this isn't detention!
    We get meals and a guaranteed pension!
    But we don't have a deal
    That the Man can't repeal;
    Let's not blow it with silly pretensions.




    21


    Said Eve, in a tone of derision,
    Let's try to avoid a collision.
    Since God is a We,
    Let's do it like He,
    And make a committee decision.




    22


    First I think we should get somethingstraight:
    This is not going to be a cheap date.   
    What I want out of you
    Is a guy with a clue
    And an aspirant god for a mate.


    23


    Besides, if we do it today,
    Tomorrow will be on the way.
    If we leave it forever
    And stick to our tether,
    What moments will lead us astray?




    24


    For a girl who has born yesterday
    You got smarts about getting your way.
    There's no doubt in my mind
    I should leave you behind,
    But I guess I'd be lost either way.




    25


    When he glanced up from lunch he felt flirty.
    He said, Baby, you sure lookin purty!
    Don't hide with your hair,
    You look much nicer bare.
    This is twice as much fun when it's dirty!




    26


    I suppose it's unseemly to pout,
    But Adam's behaved like a lout.
    He fell for the broad,
    And deserted his God,
    And I'm hurt, and I'm throwing him out.




    27


    Afterwards Adam felt disappointed.
    The world was a little disjointed.
    He said, No going back.
    Now that we've had the sack
    He'll come up with another anointed.




    28


    As for us, in exchange for ambition,
    We're stuck with the human condition.
    Still I'd say all in all
    It's a fortunate fall,
    And I can't spend my life in contrition.


    29


    Groaned Eve, all asweat in her bed,
    I could stamp on that reptile's head!
    Since we fell out of favor
    I'm condemned to hard labor--
    I feel like I'm shitting a sled!




    30


    So now I just try to ignore them.
    I'm convinced it's the safest thing for them.
    If I smile down on one
    Then his brother feels stung
    And he takes out a sticker and gores him!




    31


    Good Me!  What a horrible dream!
    These creatures of mine are obscene!
    Liliputian and loud
    And intractable.  How'd
    It be if I wiped it all clean?




    32


    Let's face it, it just hasn't worked.
    I feel like a Terrible Jerk.
    They're all versions of Me
    But they flaunt my decree,
    And then piss in their clouts when I'm irked.




    33


    There are times when they do make me mad.
    They're perverse, which is worse than just
    bad!
    Giving form to the murk
    Was affectionate work,
    And now I just feel I've been had!




    34


    But I'm not very often so wry.
    I don't mope around wondering why.
    A joke is a joke,
    And I'm partial to folks
    Who can take it as lightly as I.


    35


    Think of Noah, the one that I chose
    To float when the flood waters rose.
    He's a true Patriarch
    And his favorite lark's
    To get juiced up and take of his clothes.




    36


    Old Abram obeyed what I taught him.
    When I pointed his foes out, he fought 'em.
    But his love of mankind
    Risked my angels' behinds
    When the boys almost got 'em in Sodom.




    37


    And of course the paternal old nut
    Heard voices, all Mine, saying what?
    Though I meant him exempted
    (God too can be tempted),
    When he raised up his knife I yelled, Cut!




    38


    Go and multiply's what I told them!
    (Just an euphemism to scold them.)
    They asked who I was:
    I am just because!
    (Keep it simple, thinks I.  That'll hold
    them.)




    39


    And Moses supposed that his brother
    Could stand up before him and utter.
    But in what other hands
    Could I place my commands
    Than in those of a man with a stutter?




    40


    When the tablet broke into a pair
    At the scene of the gold calf affair,
    A prophetic reaction
    Was Moses' infraction:
    They can't really be kept, but they're fair!


    41


    Young David, he made my heart glad--
    Hero, poet, looked good, a little mad--
    A lecherous guy
    But, I don't know why,
    When he screwed up it wasn't so bad.




    42


    After him I began to feel older.
    My people awaited a soldier,
    Like winning a war
    Would settle the score--
    An idea I hope they get over.




    43


    So I said to all three of Myselves,
    It's time to go visit the elves.
    If they lose much more ground
    They'll forget I'm around--
    I think I'll try one of my melds.




    44


    I'll have to fight some kind of duel.
    The outcome of course will be cruel.
    But I'll be My Own Son
    Which ought to be fun.
    Besides, I could use the renewal.




    45


    The garden can stand some reseeding.
    Of course I can see where it's leading.
    It seems I've been caught
    By the logic I wrought.
    I won't get through this without bleeding.




    46


    So I picked Myself out a young virgin
    Who consented without too much urgin'.
    It was all very chaste,
    In immaculate taste,
    As befits incorporeal mergin'.


    47


    I fathered myself with my Third,
    Whose sign is the consummate bird.
    He's not in the bible
    But got the disciples
    Enflamed, when they put out the Word.




    48


    You too, by the way, are three:
    Head, heart and electricity,
    But your lapsed condition
    Has caused some attrition:
    You're somewhat more schizoid than Me.




    49


    Then I became one of the least,
    But a smart-aleck kid with the priests,
    And sanded and nailed--
    At which I'd have quailed
    If I'd known how I'd wind up deceased.




    50


    By then I had some intuition
    That I was embarked on a mission.
    Can it possibly be
    That I'm actually He?
    It was rather an awkward position!




    51


    When they ran out of wine at the wedding
    My mother kept nagging and fretting--
    Like some Jewish Joke!
    So I shouldered my yoke.
    I couldn't improve on the setting.




    52


    The Devil stood on the escarpment.
    I can get you your own apartment.
    You can have all you see
    If you'll bow down to me.
    I said, I know who runs your department.


    53


    I made love with a straightforward knack:
    You betrayed me but I want you back.
    I miss you so much
    When we don't keep in touch
    That I'd die for you.




    54


    Big deal, we have to die too!
    We got cancer and AIDS thanks to You.
    We got lameness and blindness,
    Oppressive unkindness,
    But we don't float off in the blue!




   


    55


    Oh don't make me say something snappy!
    You hard-hearts are always so sappy!
    You accepted the odds
    And you made it as gods,
    Now you know right from wrong!  Aren't you
    happy?




    56


    I could have said, Cut out the whimpers!
    Time was when you could have been pampered!
    But your mother the whore
    And your father the boor
    Turned it down!  I've still got a temper.




    57


    I've got a rough ride in store too,
    Maybe worse, maybe better than you.
    Let's not compare pain,
    There are no two the same,
    But I'm looking at the darkness too.




    58


    I know why you broke the decree:
    You wanted to be just like Me!
    Well now I'm just like you,
    And I wouldn't undo
    What the joy when we make up can be.


    59


    So suffer, and come to me new.
    Believe me, you're going to get through.
    Don't pick at your angst,
    Lift your hearts up in thanks!
    If I can bounce back, so can you!




    60


    Sure you're gods, it's not such a riddle!
    I know how you hate second fiddle!
    The sins of the fathers
    Devolve as my bother.
    You're not mere events in the middle!




    61


    You're gods, but you can't get above it.
    You curse your disease, but you love it.
    Besides, Presto! you're cured!
    You really should be insured.
    Remember, you're in it, not of it.




    62


    They mobbed when their passion grew hotter.
    I called them from out in the water,
    Feeling their need
    My manager's greed.
    We all need a lamb to slaughter.




    63


    The torment that tears you apart
    Is the virus of loss in your heart.
    This world is sweet
    But stay light on your feet,
    And try not to forget Who Thou art.




    64
    Yet how could I not be aware
    Of the shivery flesh that we wear?
    It ravished my senses
    And stung my defenses
    When she wrapped up my feet in her hair.




    65


    I'm building an eternal city!
    Go forth and open the bidding.
    Yah sure I'm a Jew
    But the goyim will do.
    We all need a God to pity.




    66


    Then I gave them my single command,
    Which was even more futile than ten.
    I mean, Heavens above,   
    You can't make someone love!
    Only lovers believe that they can.




    67


    So they beat me till I was red glue.
    Do I gather that this means that we're
    through?
    The most jealous lovers
    Do test one another--
    I did; I guess you do too.




    68


    You've pushed this routine too far.
    If You can't hold the stage You're no star.
    We're giving you clearance
    For one last appearance
    While your entourage waits in the car.




    69


    I just made it to My Own crucifixion.
    I guess lovers just ask to be victims.
    Now they've hung up my hide
    While I'm still here inside.
    It's not as sexy as it looks in the pictures.




    70


    What freedom there is in dejection!
    Man, you've practised your cool to
    perfection--
    Squatting over the loot,
    Shooting craps for my suit.
    God, don't spoil this with redemption!


    71


    I don't know what else I can do.
    It's dark now and time I withdrew.
    Soon pork-eating folks
    Will mistranslate My jokes.
    I wonder if any got through.




    72


    Almost drained of My human condition,
    I'm reduced to the god-like ambition
    To hang here alone,
    Serene as a stone,
    And undream the mistake of creation.




    73


    Now there's nothing, not even My Face,
    And What sees shrinks away from the waste.
    I recoil, uncreated,
    Burnt with thirst and unsated,
    Broken open like bread, and erased.




    74


    Now I'm a long, long way out in hell,
    With My arms spread to fly like My shell,
    Drifting through howling silence
    With frictionless violence,
    And no line back to time and Myself.


Also by Robert MacLean:



The President's Palm Reader: A Washington Comedy at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon Germany, Smashwords, Apple, Barnes and Noble, Sony, Kobo, Diesel—the whole street.


Foreign Matter: In Trouble with My Fantasies at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon Germany, Smashwords and the others.

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