Said the God who created the race,
With time I shall
write upon space.
When I've given the Word
And My Message is heard
I'll have something besides My Own Face.
When Adam was naming his pets,
He said, Hmm, let me see...Elephant!
The big creature pointed
Where Adam was jointed:
Can you really breathe through that?
You mean I should stick it in there?
In that fissure surrounded by hair?
But what if it bites,
Or the fit is too tight
And the snorkel can't get any air!
The Devil said, I'm feelin' good!
I wouldn't change places if I could!
I got control of my section
And total erection,
And baby, I'm doin' like I should, that's right!
Come here kid, you look like a winner!
I got a special on apples for dinner!
If you play your cards right
You'll grab a little bite.
All the big saints get started as sinners!
What's that? The divine decree?
Honey, it's time for your college degree!
You want to be your own boss,
You gotta take a little loss.
Darling, this is the Ph.D, I got here!
When he glanced up from lunch he felt flirty.
He said, Baby, you sure lookin' purty!
Don't hide with your hair,
You look much nicer bare.
This is twice as much fun when it's dirty!
There are times when they do make me mad.
They're perverse, which is worse than just bad!
Giving form to the murk
Was affectionate work,
And now I just feel I've been had!
But I'm not very often so wry.
I don't mope around wondering why.
A joke is a joke,
And I'm partial to folks
Who can take it as lightly as I.
Think of Noah, the one that I chose
To float when the flood waters rose.
He's a true Patriarch
And his favorite lark's
To get juiced up and take of his clothes.
Go ye forth and multiply, I told them,
Just a euphemism to scold them.
When they asked who I was
I said I am, just because.
Keep it simple, thinks I, that'll hold
‘em.
When the tablet broke into a pair
At the scene of the gold calf affair,
A prophetic reaction
Was Moses' infraction:
They're impossible to keep, but they're fair.
Young David, he makes my heart glad—
Hero, poet, looks good, ’s a little mad.
He’s a lecherous guy
But, I don't know why,
When he screws up it isn't so bad.
So I said to all three of Myselves,
It's time to go visit the elves.
If they lose much more ground
They'll forget I'm around—
I think I'll try one of my melds.
You too, by the way, are three:
Head, heart and electricity,
But your lapsed condition
Has caused some attrition—
You're somewhat more schizoid than Me.
Then I became one of the least,
But a smart-aleck kid with the priests,
And sanded and nailed—
At which I'd have quailed
If I'd known how I'd wind up deceased.
Yet how could I not be aware
Of the shivery flesh that we wear?
It ravished my senses
And stung my defenses
When she wrapped up my feet in her hair.
I'm building an eternal city!
Go forth and open the bidding.
Yeah, sure, I'm a Jew,
But the goyim will do.
We all need a God to pity.
Then I gave them my single command,
Which was even more futile than ten.
I mean, Heavens above,
You can't make someone love!
Only lovers believe that they can.
When I've given the Word
And My Message is heard
I'll have something besides My Own Face.
He said, Hmm, let me see...Elephant!
The big creature pointed
Where Adam was jointed:
Can you really breathe through that?
In that fissure surrounded by hair?
But what if it bites,
Or the fit is too tight
And the snorkel can't get any air!
I wouldn't change places if I could!
I got control of my section
And total erection,
And baby, I'm doin' like I should, that's right!
I got a special on apples for dinner!
If you play your cards right
You'll grab a little bite.
All the big saints get started as sinners!
Honey, it's time for your college degree!
You want to be your own boss,
You gotta take a little loss.
Darling, this is the Ph.D, I got here!
He said, Baby, you sure lookin' purty!
Don't hide with your hair,
You look much nicer bare.
This is twice as much fun when it's dirty!
They're perverse, which is worse than just bad!
Giving form to the murk
Was affectionate work,
And now I just feel I've been had!
I don't mope around wondering why.
A joke is a joke,
And I'm partial to folks
Who can take it as lightly as I.
To float when the flood waters rose.
He's a true Patriarch
And his favorite lark's
To get juiced up and take of his clothes.
Just a euphemism to scold them.
When they asked who I was
I said I am, just because.
Keep it simple, thinks I, that'll hold
‘em.
At the scene of the gold calf affair,
A prophetic reaction
Was Moses' infraction:
They're impossible to keep, but they're fair.
Hero, poet, looks good, ’s a little mad.
He’s a lecherous guy
But, I don't know why,
When he screws up it isn't so bad.
It's time to go visit the elves.
If they lose much more ground
They'll forget I'm around—
I think I'll try one of my melds.
Head, heart and electricity,
But your lapsed condition
Has caused some attrition—
You're somewhat more schizoid than Me.
But a smart-aleck kid with the priests,
And sanded and nailed—
At which I'd have quailed
If I'd known how I'd wind up deceased.
Of the shivery flesh that we wear?
It ravished my senses
And stung my defenses
When she wrapped up my feet in her hair.
Go forth and open the bidding.
Yeah, sure, I'm a Jew,
But the goyim will do.
We all need a God to pity.
Which was even more futile than ten.
I mean, Heavens above,
You can't make someone love!
Only lovers believe that they can.
Robert MacLean is a bad poet and an independent filmmaker. His The Light Touch is on Amazon Prime, Tubi, Scanbox and YouTube, and his 7-minute comedy is an out-loud laugh. He is also a screamingly funny novelist, a playwright, a blogger, a YouTuber, a reviewer of films, a literary critic, and a stand-up comic poet. Born Toronto, PhD McGill, taught at Canadian universities, too cold, lives Greece, Irish citizen. He is of towering intellect but, as is often the case with such people, not that bright. Here’s more on this splendid fellow.
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