Will You Please Fuck Off?—the movie

The one thing the world will never have enough of is the outrageous.—Salvador Dalí 

Toby travels with a woman who pays. He's got it made, except that her nine-year-old daughter is smarter than he is.  Based on the novella:
Lazy, good-for-nothing, pleasure-loving Toby, in flight from his creditors, has tried it as an English-teacher in Paris ("know-your-words sort of thing") and as a tour guide in Italy and Greece ("I've always regarded Europe as more or less of a restaurant.")

Proposed cast: Hugh Grant (Toby)
and has now relaxed into the good life, traveling with rich American bubblehead Marcie,
to Bali, Hydra, Puerto Vallerta, wherever he can avoid cold weather and alarm clocks.  Marcie is the widow of a scientific genius, now dead in some wacko experiment, and her nine-year-old daughter by him, Andrea, thinks in megabytes.
And there's the rub: "Marcie is no smarter than anybody else; the child is smarter than anybody else"including Toby, who she treats as her yo-yo.  She'd have got rid of him long ago but her mommy loves him, so she keeps him around to, what, play with. 

Proposed cast: John Goodman (Haze)
Marcie’s father-in-law, billionaire Hazelton Turnbull “Hard Turd” Harding IV, loathes Toby, and loathes giving Marcie her allowance to feed him.  But he loves his little granddaughter, and there lies the control.
Now Haze has summoned Marcie and Andrea to London, so they can pose as a family while he pretends to buy and old house, but in fact wants to marry Marcie to Lord Michael, and pass the title on to Andrea.

Proposed cast: Scott Hinds (Lord Michael)

They distract Toby with Dr Lu, a hooker posing as a psychiatrist,
who lures him into compromising situations; one of which involves dropping his dry goods in front of the Queen.  

Proposed cast: Mary Reynolds (HRH) 
And as if he didn't have enough trouble, the house is haunted by a gay ghost who's in love with Toby.  

Proposed cast: Mat Baynton (Oliphant)


  Will You Please Fuck Off? is part of the Toby series:

 Pretentious Pictures presents a London comedy. 

Kiss of Death

Reg’d © Library of Congress
A romantic thriller about a mother's sin, a boy with a fatal kiss, and the women who need it.
A boy whose kiss kills doesn't dare have sex—until he starts sleeping with terminal patients who need a way out. But he can't have the woman he loves.

Set in New York—
—it begins on a Greek island:
When  Otto brings his mistress Anita to Greece, she betrays him in the woods with a mule-driver, while Otto climbs toward a monastery and dies of a heart attack.
After dark she finds the body, and he comes briefly back to life and forces her to have sex—or was it a dream? "Oh, Otto, I hope you didn’t make me pregnant! What would come out?"
What comes out is Felix.  When he kisses someone, she dies.   That's how it happens when he's a kid. The islanders think he has the evil eye, and run them out.
At high school in Toronto he doesn't dare kiss Dorothy, the girl he's in love with, which is not something she can accept or understand.
His mother Anita can't understand or accept it either, and urges him to get a girl.  So he gets a girl
—and she dies in his arms.

He's a bright economics student at U of T, but without Dorothy, without any love life, he's suicidal.  Then he meets a terminal patient who wants out—and helps her out—and has his first sex with another human being.
Now he has found his niche: financial advisor by day, mercy seducer by night.  The police are taking an interest but what can they prove?
We'll have rending and funny performances by older and middle-aged actresses.
Only with Bald Woman does he decline to follow through.
Motorcycle tough, she has made her chemo baldness part of her butch style, and falls for Felix. He evades her because she’s too full of life to kill, but in pursuit of the kiss of death she finds him and wreaks havoc on his day job
not to say on his chaste relationship with Dorothy.  Like Tristan and Isolde, they sleep with a sword between them.
His mother Anita watches in pain while he lives out Otto's curse, agonizes over the career of dangerous judgements he's embarked on, and does what she can to interfere.
When she sees how in love and how frustrated he and Dorothy are, she knows she has to do something.

Otto, like Hamlet’s father, is a vengeful ghost. His son can’t have sex without inflicting death, and Otto sees to it that Anita will pay that price.
Pretentious Pictures presents a romantic thriller. 

Will You Please Fuck Off?—the movie

The one thing the world will never have enough of is the outrageous.—Salvador Dalí

Toby travels with a woman who pays. He's got it made, except that her nine-year-old daughter is smarter than he is.  Based on the novella:
Lazy, good-for-nothing, pleasure-loving Toby, in flight from his creditors in America, has tried it as an English-teacher in Paris ("know-your-words sort of thing") and as a tour guide in Italy and Greece ("I've always regarded Europe as more or less of a restaurant.")

Attached: Christian Oliver (Toby) 
and has now relaxed into the good life, traveling with rich bubblehead Marcie,
to Bali, Hydra, Puerto Vallerta, wherever he can avoid cold weather and alarm clocks.  Marcie is the widow of a scientific genius, now dead in some wacko experiment, and her nine-year-old daughter by him, Andrea, thinks in megabytes.
And there's the rub: "Marcie is no smarter than anybody else; the child is smarter than anybody else"including Toby, who she treats as her yo-yo.  She'd have got rid of him long ago but her mommy loves him, so she keeps him around to, what, play with. 

Proposed cast: Ben Shockley (Haze)
Marcie’s father-in-law, billionaire Hazelton Turnbull “Hard Turd” Harding IV, loathes Toby, and loathes giving Marcie her allowance to feed him.  But he loves his little granddaughter, and there lies the control.
Now Haze has summoned Marcie and Andrea to London, so they can pose as a family while he pretends to buy and old house, but in fact wants to marry Marcie to Lord Michael, and pass the title on to Andrea.

Proposed cast: Scott Hinds (Lord Michael)

They distract Toby with Dr Lu, a hooker posing as a psychiatrist,
who lures him into compromising situations; one of which involves dropping his dry goods in front of the Queen.  

Proposed cast: Mary Reynolds (HRH) 
And as if he didn't have enough trouble, the house is haunted by a gay ghost who's in love with Toby.  

Proposed cast: Mat Baynton (Oliphant)


  Will You Please Fuck Off? is part of the Toby series:

 Pretentious Pictures presents a London comedy. 

Love without Kissing

A film about Hollywood
Reg’d © Library of Congress
When aspiring actress Dolores Davenport's face is destroyed in an accident, there's nothing the doctors can do. Plastic surgery has its limits. A face transplant would take years, and cost more than she can come up with.  
So she goes veiled, and earns her keep by posing for lesbian painter Virgy, who's in love with her.  

Proposed cast: Catherine Tate
Dolores doesn't return Virgy's love, only her friendship, and while she poses, she works on a screenplay. If she can't make it as a star, she'll make it as a writer. But how can she sell a script when she can’t even show her face?
At an exhibition of Virgy's paintings, Dolores meets French movie star Louis Bertrand, who's been collecting Virgy's pictures of Dolores, and, already in love with those—

—falls in love with her.

Proposed cast: Jean Reno
Here is someone who can open doors for her, and he does, but his passion, his obsession, is to see behind her veil. That, she tells him, he will never do. She won't even sleep with him. But he doesn't give up. He arranges an interview for her with cold ruthless studio producer Perry Zabrowski.  

Proposed cast: Jon Malkovich
She pitches Perry an idea based on his private life, which Louis has filled her in on, and Perry buys it, and wants to shape it, but only if they attach a star—Louis.  
Impossible. But when she pitches it to Louis he agrees! "You’re going to make this movie?" "Of course I am! And do you know why? Because if you do not sleep with me this instant I won’t do it! Et voila!" She refuses. He shrugs. She relents, but he must never touch her veil. If he does that, they're through. It's love without kissing.

She is now a writer-producer. But Perry won't proceed unless his wife Suzanne has a role. Suzanne is not a star, and Louis says no: his reputation won't stand it, and besides, Suzanne is one of his many ex-lovers, perhaps the most delicious of them. He doesn't want to go there again.


The deal is off, and Dolores spurns Louis until his passion gets the better of him and he relents. But neurotic Suzanne can't work with the director Perry assigns; she'll only work with Dolores. So Dolores directs.
They're shooting on a yacht in Marina del Rey, and Perry comes aboard to check on his wife, and to have Dolores. The five of them spend the night there—Virgy is co-writer—and Dolores wakes up in a red bed: Perry's throat has been cut. It matters very much to her who did this, but her friends aren't talking, in fact no one seems to mind, and it's the last day of the schedule so they should really get these shots before the police come in and delay them interminably, shouldn't they?
Because of a gap in the cast Dolores takes the role of a pirate pleading for her life, and at the moment of truth rips off her mask—she won't show her face to Louis, but she'll show it to the world if her film needs it. Not being a stunt man, Louis blows up the wrong boat, and Perry's corpse along with it, so the murderer is off the hook. Oscars. Louis takes Dolores back to France, but she still won't show him her face.
Pretentious Pictures presents a serious comedy.
Reg’d © Library of Congress



Also by Robert MacLean, the "Toby" books,
Will You Please Fuck Off? at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon ITAmazon ES and Smashwords;
Foreign Matter at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon ITAmazon ES and Smashwords; 
Total Moisture at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon ITAmazon ES and Smashwords; 
and these, too,
Mortal Coil: A Comedy of Corpses at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DE, Amazon IT and Amazon ES;
The President's Palm Reader: A Washington Comedy at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon IT and Amazon ES; and
Greek Island Murder at Amazon USAmazon UKAmazon FRAmazon DEAmazon IT and Amazon ES.