foreign matter
The next Pink Panther: light classy international humor, one of the
series, based on
The books and the videos
Toby travels with a woman who pays, sweet blonde bubblehead Marcie, who adores him. He’s got it made. Trouble is, her nine-year-old daughter Andrea is his mental superior, and sees him for what he is. From the novel:
Toby likes to sleep. He leaves America one step ahead of the collection agents—"Hello, Ma?" "Who is this?"—and gets by for a while in Paris giving English lessons.
But it’s a know-your-words kind of thing, he’s not
really good at it. Also it’s cold. So he tries it further south as a
tour guide. "Free time" is the secret. He gives them lots of "free
time" to climb around on the
monument, while he catches forty in the bus.
Proposed: Camilla Cleese
Marcie Harding, sweet, fresh, blonder than blonde and all heart, is a lonely widow who takes a tour in Venice. Toby abandons his group to surrender to her, and when he runs out of cash is about to abandon her. (He loves her more than he knows.) "To-bee! Let's just live on my money!" He hesitates—"Yeah?"—and relaxes into a life of late mornings and long lunches.
Perfect—except
for "the child," her nine-year-old daughter Andrea. Toby and Marcie are no smarter than anybody else. The child is smarter than anybody
else. It sees Toby for what he is, and doesn't approve of him.
It would get rid of him but it sees that its mommy loves him, so it keeps him around
to amuse itself with. When you’re not looking it rotates its head like
Linda Blair.
When he’s hung over it comes around and disturbs his sleep so they can go
pogo-sticking. Aw, you will say, it just wants to play! Control yourself.
Proposed: John Cleese
Even
less convenient, the money is held by Marcie's father-in-law, billionaire
Hazelton Turnbull “Hard Turd” Harding IV. Haze too sees Toby for what he is, and
finds projects into which to divert Marcie’s allowance so he can scrape Toby
off.
When
they hook up in Athens he spends it on a painting for the Hazelton Turnbull
Harding IV Memorial Museum, and Marcie sends Toby to the gallery to get the
price down. Quite by accident—really!—he steps in it. And can’t get it off.
Very embarrassing.
Attached: Louiza Zouzias
The
artist, a butch nightmare, physically attacks him. While it’s being repaired,
rich old Greek patroness Hermione buys it and takes it to her island, where her
teenage American granddaughter Darleen is visiting.
Proposed: Lily-Rose Depp
Marcie
passes Toby off as Andrea’s tutor (this is Andrea’s idea—everything is Andrea’s
idea), and Haze takes the "family" to the island to bid for the
painting. Darleen flirts with Toby, Hermione attacks him with her cane, her
bulldog attacks him, and Johna the butch nightmare attacks him.
Proposed: David Faustino
Toby escapes to a portside café to get some sleep, but is awakened by
his old friend Toad Fuller, an abrasive man who is nevertheless
fabulously successful with women. Hard to figure. Of course, he’s rich.
Toad
has come to the island in search of the only woman he’s ever really loved, i.e.
the only one who’s ever turned him down. Darleen. He has already tried to get
to her at the house but Hermione set her pair of prize bulldogs on him.
Toad shot one. He has it right here in a bag. The police stroll by. Toby gets
up to leave.
Relax,
Toad and his butler are going to row it out to sea, sink it with rocks and have
drinks. "Hey, neat! I want a
butler!" But the net doesn’t hold, and Toad sticks Toby with the dead dog.
The
child insinuates it into the evening meal. Toby gets drunk and sits
on the painting, and can’t get his ass out of it. One of the lady guests comes
to his room and—well.
The
child organizes Toby and Toad to burgle the painting through a skylight over
the salon. In exchange, it will ingratiate Toad with Hermione, and have Haze
restore Marcie’s allowance. Rock-climber Toad will be lowered in—
—but
things go wrong, Toby is swung through the wrong window and lands in bed
with Darleen. Everyone rushes in and looks. Despite the bungling, though, the painting is
gone. Disgrace. Exile. Goodbye to Marcie and their delicious lives together.
Of course the child has the painting. And it will orchestrate the happy ending—if they can go pogo-sticking.
Pretentious Pictures presents
a summer comedy.
Robert MacLean is an independent filmmaker. His recent The Light Touch is on Amazon Prime, Tubi and Scanbox, and his 7-minute comedy is an out-loud laugh. He is also a novelist, a playwright, a blogger, a YouTuber, a film reviewer, a literary critic, and a stand-up comic poet. Born Toronto, PhD McGill, taught at Canadian universities, too cold, live Greece, Irish citizen. No brains, but an intellectual snob.
“I was beastly but never coarse. A high-class sort of heel.”
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