The Vagina Dialogue

0 pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth.
Thy mistress bids me kneel and give thee tongue.
Her splayed thighs can't but emphasize her girth
But she's grown shameless now that she's not young.
Who knows to what effusions thou'lt give birth,
What shapes from nether regions be outwrung?
But I shall chew thee up for all I'm worth
Until she's sighed, protested, grunted, sung.

Confide in me. I crouch here in this huddle,
A priest in consultation with his oracle.
Whisper something gassy, something subtle,
Beguile the time with figures metaphorical,
Say what we are, united in this cuddle—
Bee in flower? Fisherman in coracle?
Snout awallow in thy slippery puddle?
Or part thy lips in prophesy historical,
Foretell the moment when her randy butt'll
Begin to tremble, buck and bounce, euphorical.

No, let that earthquake take me by surprise,
For in thy depths lies coiled the magic fact
That when thy mistress is reduced to cries
I'm filled with fire to join her in the act
And feel my weapon quick begin to rise—
Look ye then, what bloody man is that?
My sword unto its mark it fairly flies,
It hammers to the hilt thy gaping cat
And holds in there that thou mightst feel its size
Until I roll and lie beside her, flat.
No doubt I will again apologize
The next time I drop down to chew the fat.


Robert MacLean is a bad poet and an independent filmmaker. His The Light Touch is on Amazon Prime, Tubi and Scanbox, and his 7-minute comedy is an out-loud laugh. He is also a screamingly funny novelist, a playwright, a blogger, a YouTuber, a reviewer of films, a literary critic, and a stand-up comic poet. Born Toronto, PhD McGill, taught at Canadian universities, too cold, live Greece, Irish citizen. Committed to making movies that don't matter. No brains, but an intellectual snob.




On YouTube:
Boccaccio’s "The Husband" 
Boccaccio's "The Horse Trade" 
Boccaccio's "The Stupid Friar" 
Chaucer’s "The Miller's Tale"
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