Pretentious Pictures Presents:

And then you die

carlton kule is not James Bond,
but he’s pretty Kule in his own right.

If he falls, if he jumps, if he doubles the bet...

...he’s Kule.

Masked female terrorists, led by the seductive and lethal Ava, are kidnapping Europe’s royalty.

A king captured in a Paris brothel—

—a prince flirting with the wrong girl—

—and Prince Freddy, 47th in line for the throne, all abducted.

Carlton is in bed with a Chinese spy in Moscow, trying to make a deal, when Ava bursts in, shoots her—and tries to kidnap him!

A motorcycle chase. Ava goes off Gorky Park Bridge and disappears under the Moskva. Oh, well, nothing to do now but have lunch.

Major MacDonald, head of MI6, suspects the Kremlin of the kidnappings. His opposite number Yuri Touchov is suddenly incommunicado.

Carlton’s job is to get to Yuri through his screen of FIS guards.

The Major also suspects that Carlton is suicidal, and has him surgically altered to keep track of him—a camera in his forehead, mics in his ears.

In fact Carlton is the victim of his invariable good luck, with women—the Major’s p.a. Emily Pluckrose adores him—and other risks, and throws himself at danger with a certain ennui.

 “Your luck will run out, Mr. Kule.”
“I can’t wait.”

Quartermaster Queensbury will not give him the Aston Martin with an ejection seat he wants, and this is no way to arrive at the casino—

—where he encounters Yuri and, at the same table, Prince Freddy. And Yuri’s wife Svetlana falls in love with him. 

And he wins all the money. It’s a bore.

Skiing with Yuri in Greenland, then Iceland’s Blue Lagoon with Yuri and Svetlana, where she arranges some alone time.

“Carlton,” shouts the Major, “do not touch that woman!” Well.

Rendezvous with a CIA agent and the head of Chinese intelligence in a sub on the floor of the South China Sea. The kidnappings are global—and only of men. Special men.

Rescue Prince Freddy from his treacherous bodyguard and the women who have bribed him. Hide the prince in a Cap Ferrat hotel.

Have lunch on the beach as Ava emerges from the sea and wades ashore.

“At last,” says Carlton, “I’ve found you.”
“You are lucky.”
“You’re the lucky one.”
“What is luckier than beauty?”
“What is more beautiful than luck?” 

Their fabulous lovemaking is spied on by MI6. Ah, but he’s too Kule with her. “Don’t forget to pay the bill,” he says. And he’s gone.

And she’s gone. And so is Freddy. Is he depressed because she beat him, or because he misses her?

The three leaders of the world meet in an open-air piazza where they can’t possibly be hacked, surrounded by Secret Service men—

—and are kidnapped.

But Carlton—can’t get interested. His luck has run out.

A simmering volcano. Tiny nuclear weapons.


A buried labyrinth. The Red Queen to confront. Ava to confront. Is Carlton going to get with it?

Pretentious pictures presents

“Kule. Carlton Kule.”

And then you die

Robert MacLean is an independent filmmaker. His recent The Light Touch is on Amazon PrimeTubi and Scanbox, and his 7-minute comedy is an out-loud laugh. He is also a novelist, a playwright, a blogger, a YouTuber, a film reviewer, a literary critic, and a stand-up comic poet. Born Toronto, PhD McGill, taught at Canadian universities, too cold, live Greece, Irish citizen. No brains, but an intellectual snob.

I was beastly but never coarse. A high-class sort of heel.

The Light Touch on Amazon Prime

The Natural Wish to Be Robert MacLean

No comments:

Post a Comment