“Toby,” said the child, “what’s the difference between anger
and exasperation?”
I didn't even open my eyes. “Buzz off.”
“Tell me! I want to know!”
I rolled my head in my hammock and looked at it. It is a girl child, and not easily deterred. One can’t just shoo it away. “Is that your
new phone?”
“Yes.”
“Give it to me.”
“No! Get your own!”
“What would I want with a phone? Is your grandfather’s
number on it yet?”
“Yes.”
“Get it.”
It handed me the phone, open at “Gwampa”. I swear to God the kid wrote it that way.
“He’ll know your voice,” it said.
I tapped on Gwampa and Haze’s phone rang.
“Hello!” he shouted, jerked away from running his empire.
I tried my French voice. “Allo. Tobee est là?”
“What?”
“Tobee!” I insisted. “Is he zere?”
“No, there’s no Toby here.” He hung up.
I tapped. Ring-ring. “Hello!”
I did my sinus-infection Brit aristo. “Oh hullo. I'd like to speak to Toby, please.”
“There is no Toby here!”
“Could you just have a look round? It's frightfully important.”
“You want me to do what? Do you know who you're talking to?”
“No need to get shirty, old thing. When will he be back? Can you take a message?”
“No, I can’t take a message, because he won’t be
back. He’s never here, so it’s impossible for him to be ‘back,’ you understand?”
He hung up.
I glanced at the child as I tapped again. “HELLO!”
I did my Louis. “Hey, muthafuckah! Get Toby for me, will ya?”
“There IS. NO. TOBY. HERE! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET
THE IDEA THAT TOBY IS HERE? HE’S NOT HERE!”
I held this up for the child to hear. “That’s anger,” I explained.
He hung up. I tapped. Ring-ring. “WHAT!”
“Hi, this is Toby. Were there any calls for me?”
I handed the child the phone and closed my eyes. “Run along,” I said, waving it away.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
This is where you will find some Toby books.
If you’re planning on the south of France for the summer, try
this
one.
If it’s Paris or London, grab this.
The Greek islands? Here
you go.
Bon voyage,
Bob
Robert MacLean is an independent filmmaker. His The Light Touch is on Amazon Prime, Tubi and Scanbox, and his 7-minute comedy is an out-loud laugh. He is also a novelist, a playwright, a blogger, a YouTuber, a film reviewer, a literary critic, and a stand-up comic poet. Born Toronto, PhD McGill, taught at Canadian universities, too cold, live Greece, Irish citizen. No brains but an intellectual snob.
“I'm afraid of NOTHING except being bored!”―Greta Garbo
